ANTENNA!

So in breaking my traditional routine this morning...or early afternoon by now, I had a sudden inspiration to blog. So my internet time just got bumped up before finishing my math section of the day. I was overcome with one of those deep, inspiring feelings that takes me to parts of my mind concerning world peace, curing cancer, the history of humanity, etc.

I never realized Pre-Calculus could be so heavy, but then again, sometimes lifes suprises show up in the most random things. Like amputating your thumb, for example. Who knew that not only healing from a broken thumb, I'd also heal (or at least begin the pattern of change) a series of habits that were in sore need of some tender loving care (also known as TLC).

It's fascinating to me how when you start to put your life in order, it spreads. As it spreads you wonder how you could ever let it go into chaos. But then with the burdens of life and weight of the world, things begin to slip and keeping that order gets more and more difficult so you go back to chaos because it's the easy way. It's a vicious cycle, and avoiding/prevention/overcoming isn't for the light of heart. As Michael says, "Be a hard target." (Military term for not taking unnecessary risks, watch your "6" or back, don't be negligent, etc.)

On a side note: Michael is now hooked on Sudoku, which makes me happy since it's something we can do together. But every now and again he'll just suddenly "X" out the entire puzzle and claim, "Liar! Satan's involved in this puzzle!" and then move on to another one.

So, what's the point of this rambling? Well, the people who know me can attest to my MANY dreams. All of these amazing things that I want to accomplish, finish, win the Nobel Peace Prize for. You get the idea. The only thing is the overwhelming plethora of dreams kind of put me in stasis and I don't even know where to begin. I have all of these rationalizations as to why I should "wait and see" instead of just beginning.

With the amputation of my right thumb, things really began to change. First, I was pretty depressed, which Michael can attest to. I was incredibly frusterated because you never realize how wonderful hands and thumbs are until you're unable to use a finger, or the whole hand. That minute dexterity and opposable-ness of a hand with working thumb is a really incredible creation. Especially when it's your dominant one. There was just an overall feeling of helpless, useless sludge that kind of overwhelmed me during the first week or so of the thumb incident.

So I finally took action. I really don't know what triggered it. Maybe it was the pity party I was holding for myself every day was starting to lose its lustre and become boring. So I caught up on sleep, and then Mike planted a seed of just accomplishing one thing for the day. Maybe putting away the laundry, or neatening up our bedside table, or signing up for my next online class. Something that wouldn't take more than five minutes or so. Well, I started doing that, and soon my day was filled with a bunch of things to finish before I could have any "fun time." Well, that didn't work at first so I found mixing a couple of fun things in to the not-so-fun dispersed it enough so that I'd get everything done. It wasn't just this long line of burdens that completely demotivated me. After two or three obligatories I had something to look forward to. A payback, so to speak. Something good as a result of my effort. Rewarding myself. I also found that starting on the computer would ruin everything so I had to put any computer duties last.

Soon my day was filled with things that were nurturing and fufilling and causing me to see the little steps needed to make the big dreams come true. Some conversations with Michael caused this to happen. One day we were discussing my various interests in the medical field and he responded, "Which classes do you need for all three? Maybe you could focus on those for now?" That got me thinking in regards to education where's a good place to start. It's focused my studies too. I spend time everyday doing one section of my math class. I'm a little behind with the days due to my book arriving late, but I'm steadily moving forward. Instead on focusing on the overwhelming need to catch up and possibly skip something I'd need to understand. I'm focusing on moving forward with the class and really taking the time to know what I'm learning.

Getting into the practice of doing the important stuff first has been a huge lesson I've been learning. It's key for things like time management, but as I've been spending time with other endeavors I've also come to understand why doing the important stuff first is so...well...important. Doing the things that pertain to your big goals first gets them done, which also means you're more likely to get those big goals finished.

Every morning I read the Bible first. It sets the day right. I'm much more positive with the rest of my day, and much more motivated to get the important things finished. Coincidence? I think not. There's something to be said with scripture study. There's this search to it. A constant search for the deeper meaning, understanding, truth. What surrounds a verse, what's the history, culture, and meaning? What's the verse just plainly saying without the understanding of the outside? What is your understanding of it? It also is a wall of protection. The more you surround yourself and fill yourself with something nourising the easier it is to recognize something that's not. Kind of like people who recognize counterfit money. They're constantly around real money so that they know it so well when the counterfit is shown they'll recognize it immediately.

I've been also reading about money, which has been a slightly emotional endeavor. Suze Orman is my author of choice. I review with Michael what I've learned, and he gives his own input. The biggest gift from learning about money is really understanding the long-term value of investing and saving. Also just the plain differences between investing and saving. There's still some things in there concerning different types of accounts, trusts, insurance, etc. that I'm not completely clear on, but I'll come to understand with time as I research it more. But it's also put into perspective what small goals to work on, and as those goals grow where to transfer and what to do with that growth. I never really valued compounding and time until I read about investing and time and how important that is.

As all of this has been going on, it's also spread into other areas. Maybe as a result of smoothing out my own chaos, it's prevented me from keeping a constant stream of chaos around me. Either in a messy room, or caring a bit too much what people think about me. Michael is also a huge part of it. The things he says stick with me. Plus, he's very talented about seeing the beginning process of where to begin, and the steps along the way. So the big things I want have taken on a much more achievable level. What's started is this excersize where I write down the large goal, and what are the small steps I can do now to get there. It's a very neat excersize. It provides a lot of hope to make my dreams become a reality. Kind of like a home that's a fixer upper. First step? Make sure the foundation is secure, and then go from the most important to the more frivolous. Plus, the small steps make it fun in a kind of weird way. It's similar to solving a puzzle. And after all the hard work that goes into it there's the sense of accomplishment, and satisfaction with yourself. And because you've focused on the important first, it's a well made product that will stand the test of time.

So here I am getting ready to face the outdoors after this long period of reclusiveness. Kind of like nourishing seedlings. Making sure they're watered, blowing them with a fan so their roots become strengthened. All the little steps needed so they can flourish outside. I'm my own little seedling and gardener all in one. Cool, huh? Doing the right thing is never easy, but then everyone would do the right thing. And that would be an entirely different world we would live in.

Who knew amputating one's thumb could really be such a gift? One of my favorite things that Michael has said is, "Something can happen and it can either make you bitter or sweetened." He's said it in regards to the constant frusterations and struggles I've been going through here. Where I'd come home in tears from just pure stupidity at work. And he'd say, "Just think, this is making you so much more flexible, and expanding your current capacities to handle certain things. It'll make you that much stronger when life's suprises happens along the way when we're living our life together."

So even an amputated thumb can sweeten a person. Who knew? So I'm getting ready to finish another small section of my math class, but it doesn't put me off. Instead as I finish it I think that I'm that much closer to finishing my goals. One less math class section I have to complete, one more deeper understanding of a certain section of the Bible, one less confusing part of money, and another day spent doing something that will eventually lead to where I'd like to get to in my life. There's really no rush. It'll happen because I'll let it.

R.